RELATIONSHIPS! RELATIONSHIPS! RELATIONSHIPS!: Articles by Dani

Contact Dani for permission to publish any of her writings. Dani's articles have appeared in publications such as: CBN.com , StartMarriageRight.com, The Healing Hope Herald, Youth Worker Journal Magazine, WebBiblia.com, and ARCHSA.org Her latest article, Attracting Your Man, was recognized in October of 2012 by Moody for having the most traffic. Stats are as follows: 1489 page views; 1782 FB shares; 101 Tweets; 43 Pins

Be encouraged as you scroll down on this page to read the following articles at length:

-Attracting Your Man
-Barhopping for Love
- Shattered Dreams and Unanswered Prayers
-Phases of Romantic Addiction And The Way of Escape
-Excitedly Engaged with a Hint of Doubt
-Five Red Flags for Christians Blinded by Romance

-Breaking Up is Difficult but Doable

-The Top 10 Excuses You Make to Stay in a Bad Relationship
And the Reason Why You Should Stop Making Them
-Mary's Battle with Pornography
A true story of spiritual warfare against one of the most prevalent sin’s of our time
-Mary’s Battle with Pornography
Overcoming Emotional Strongholds
-The Top 5 Reasons You Lie
And Why You Must Stop
-Suicidal Intentions
A True Story Illustrating the Importance of Youth Outreach

Attracting Your Man

If ever I went into anything blindly it was marriage. In one sense, that is okay. For, faith is blind and I said my vows knowing full well God’s unseen hand led me to my beloved. In another sense, spiritual blindness in the area of attraction was not okay. As a newlywed, I attempted to satisfy my husband by adopting worldly ways. I spent far too much time focusing on the physical while comparing me to others such as models in magazines and actresses on television shows we watched. I even compared myself to friends and family members whom excelled in areas of physique, and I aspired to become like them. The unhealthy, unreachable, skin deep goals I set for myself, once achieved, would satisfy my man’s deepest desire, or so I thought. I was wrong.

Sure, it is true that most (if not all) married men want their woman to make a daily goal of looking, doing, and being her very best, but that’s just it. My hubby wants me at my best, not someone else’s. Don’t take that statement with a grain of salt, ladies. I beg of you; take to heart what you just read. It took years of growing in my relationship with God and my spouse to realize that one truth. Here it is again, personalized just for you, “Both God and your husband truly want you to be your very best.” After all, he married you, didn’t he?

If you’re ready to ditch the world’s recipe for attractiveness and set reasonable goals for being a more beautiful you, read on. I’ll share two easy, doable tips for attracting your man, one in each of two key areas: extrinsic and intrinsic beauty. The cool thing is that my advice is intended to be like a spiritual snack. What I have to offer should leave you feeling encouraged, motivated, and hopeful! Of course, you can always turn to God’s Word for a meatier spiritual meal! I don’t know about you, but I truly appreciate the glimpse God gives us into lives of Old Testament beauties such as Ruth and Esther. Such women truly knew how to attract their men! For now, get ready to munch on some good old-fashioned… shall we say wisdom, from one Christ-following gal to another!

Extrinsic Beauty

Extrinsic is a fancy word I use to describe the physical world of a woman. If it’s your responsibility and your husband can see it, it’s extrinsic. While extrinsic beauty is not the most important area we will discuss, it is of some value. Why? Because men are visual creatures! I know, ladies, if you’re like me you don’t like this truth, but we must accept what years of research (both Biblical and non) has shown. It’s simply the way God fashioned the male species. Fact is, men’s brain’s process information differently than ours. Consider new data I found at www.LiveScience.com which states that while men and women are obviously “from the same planet” there exists an “almond-like cluster of neurons which hook up to contrasting functions”. This difference in our brains causes men to be much more highly influenced emotionally by outward stimuli than women; we are more swayed more by internal factors. No wonder we have a difficult time seeing things from a male perspective!

Now if you’re like I used to be, you just may be biting your nails at this point. Let’ me reassure you that I’m not talking about becoming Barbie. Please don’t go off thinking worldly and lose me! What I’m suggesting with all this physical talk is simple just as most men are simple. Do your best to look your best and to keep your surroundings organized and clean! You might think such advice is childish and unnecessary. Believe me; it’s not! I’ve not only lived with a visual creature for more than eleven years, but have reminisced with women who are doing the same. Much personal discussion and observation leads me to believe that many of us, overtime and after saying “I do”, face the temptation to become progressively lazy over time in one or more areas of physical responsibility. While on the one hand we should understand and also expect our men to know that perfection is impossible, on the other hand, we shouldn’t use imperfection as an excuse to be lazy! Consider The Wise Proverbs 31 Woman who

“… watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.” Proverbs 31:27

Here’s a tip for this area. Communicate! Ask your husband to share what tops his list when it comes to outer beauty. One wife, by doing this, discovered her husband is big on painted nails and high-lighted hair while another found her man prefers a natural look with no makeup whatsoever. And it doesn’t stop with the body. If you’re a homemaker, for example, you might ask what he notices after stepping in the door after work. By way of discussion, a stay home mom recently learned her man sees a clean house if three simple things are done: the bed made, the dishes put away, and the floor vacuumed! A load was lifted off her shoulders when she learned she could stop perfecting every nook and cranny of their home! Only your spouse can tell you what he sees. Who knows? Perhaps something as simple as trimmed eyebrows and a new nightgown just might lure him your way!

Intrinsic Beauty

While extrinsic beauty may hold some value, intrinsic beauty is of more importance to your marriage relationship. Why? Because while outer beauty may have played a role in attracting your husband to you, it’s not what will keep him looking your way! Truth is, we all age physically whether we like it or not. So women, no matter how much help we think plastic surgery might give us, we simply aren’t gonna get better lookin’ outwardly over time! The good thing, however, is that inner beauty does not have to fade! Inwardly, we have the potential to grow more gorgeous every single day! And did you know that with genuine inner beauty comes power…power to attract even those husband’s who do not know Christ!? Consider the words of Peter below:

“Wives, … be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.” 1 Peter 3:7

Galatians 22 also offers attraction advice. It inspires us to be loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, good, kind, gentle, faithful, and self-controlled! Believe it or not, child of God, you already possess these fruits (or at least seeds) of the spirit because you are a temple of The Holy Spirit! Did you read that correctly? You possess the full essence of God’s beauty living on the inside of you! Won’t you believe today that God Himself desires to shine through you to manifest His awesome display of gorgeousness to your husband and to those in your world! Who knows? Genuine inner beauty just may well be the number one thing God intends to use in this season of your marriage relationship to draw your husband closer to you!

Here’s an awesome tip. If you want to become more attractive on the inside where it really counts, go straight to the source, The Creator of all things; choose to “abide in Him” (John 15:19)! God cares more about you and your man than does anyone else on the face of this earth. Consider Ruth whose God-given strategy for attracting Boaz was simply to know and obey God! Ruth’s faithfulness toward God was reflected in the loyalty she showed toward His people and her husband. She imitated God’s loving faithfulness because she knew and sought to please her Lord above anyone else! Quite frankly, unless we imitate “holy women of the past” like Ruth there is a strong possibility we’ll end up repelling our husband’s to the point that they, as the writer of Proverbs once wrote, would rather “…live on the corner of the roof” than with us!

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

Proverbs 31:30

In closing, I feel compelled to address those of you who may be thinking, “I’ve not only tried these tips but others and far too long. I feel as valuable as a fly on the wall to my husband. He hardly, if ever, tells me I’m beautiful.” As did Ruth, sister in Christ, you must choose to rest and trust in what God alone says about you. While Matthew Mc Conaughey’s romantic verbal affection in some movies might tempt you to think you’d like the same treatment from your husband (I admit it might be nice from time to time), it’s not ultimately going to satisfy our soul! Keep your head on straight and believe what God says about you! Remember, God in His sovereignty has an appointed time for good change in your relationship to take place; His plan will progress on His schedule. Whether it takes moments or years for your spouse to appreciate your beauty, God desires to bring it to pass! He is able and willing not only to make you, but your marital relationship more beautiful in its time (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4

Barhopping for Love
© 2011 Dani Miser, Author of Single Woman Seeks Perfect Man (Deep River Books, 2010)

Have you ever seen the Queen of England or The President of the United States digging through the trash for food to eat? Obviously, your answer is no. You probably never will. What about the children of royalty? Must they go prowling through alley ways in a desperate search for items to meet their needs? Again, the answer is no! Now if those seated in high places truly desired to go dumpster diving then certainly nothing could stop them, but to choose leftover scraps instead of a gourmet dinner at The White House would be ludicrous. Because the children of royalty know who they are and what they have access to, they refrain from settling for less than the very best!

“Now if we are (His) children, then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ …sharers together in the promise of Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:17, Ephesians 3:6

Sisters and brothers in Christ, many of you are settling for less than God’s best when it comes to dating relationships. Oh, many of you think the idea that God has an amazing match out there He created specifically for you sounds nice, but you don’t whole-heartedly believe He does. As a result, you’ve taken matters into your own hands. Rather than live as a child of The Most High King walking in paths of righteousness, you choose to scavenge through bar after bar, night after night as a desperate beggar in search for love and affection. Like the Prodicle Son, you’ve turned your head from The Loving Master and are walking in the opposite direction of every good thing He desires to give you, including a mate! You think you know what is best and have chosen barhopping as a major strategy to find it!

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

Your quest for companionship reminds me of a vision I had recently when praying for a single friend who’d approached me with the question, “Is going to bars okay?” In the vision I saw what looked like a stray dog prowling through the alley ways in search for scraps to eat. In the distance, the dog’s new mansion sat upon a hill. He’d been adopted, given a new name, and would be trained for an awesome purpose. His new master stood next to the mansion door beckoning him to enter and eat the finest of foods that had been prepared especially for him. Yes, scraps could suffice, but a better way of living was available to the canine. The dog had a choice. He could turn his feet and walk toward the very best or ignore the call of his master.

“Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him.” Psalm 34:8

It’s not my intent today to try to convince you that all in all going to bars is wrong. However, I simply hope the vivid imagery I created for you will encourage you to seek God’s advice on the issue. He alone knows your true motivation and the very best path for your feet! In James 1:5, He promises to give wisdom to all who ask. I hope you’ll ask Him if your lifestyle mirrors that of the dog nosing his way through the dump, chewing on scraps. I pray your spiritual eyes will be opened to know the truth. You are a child of the King, set apart for a satisfying, grand purpose. God yearns for you to walk in His ways, to believe that along His path is the man or woman He has for you to marry. Won’t you choose this day to step out of the nightlife. “For what fellowship does light have with darkness” anyway? If you walk by faith in the light, you can know God will reward you with a companion in His perfect timing (Hebrews 11:6)!

^“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14

In closing, I’d like to leave you with a list of some advertised bar names I’ve seen. As you ponder how the enemy might consider such names a slap in the face of The One True God, ask the Holy Spirit to bring to mind scriptures you can relate to each one: The Blind Pig Saloon, The Lazy Dog Saloon, The It’ll Do Bar (We could just as well call this place the I’ll Settle Saloon!), The Watering Hole (as opposed to The Living Water whose name is Jesus!), and The Promise Land. Oh! There are several treasures of truth that come to my mind as I read that list, but more than anything I can almost hear the still, small voice in my spirit singing, “be careful little feet where you go. Be careful little feet where you go. For The Father up above is looking down with love; be careful little feet where you go.” Why would a loving father care where your feet go? Because He knows that some places lure you away from His very best!

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Sharla's response to the above article in April of 2012, "I love your new article, Dani!!! My hope clings to the statement "God yearns for you to walk in His way, & to believe that along that path is the man He has for you to marry.".......this is reassuring to read these words! Thx for sharing the wisdom God speaks through you....YOU'RE AMAZING!!!!

Shattered Dreams and Unanswered Prayers

© 2011 Dani Miser, Author of Single Woman Seeks Perfect Man (Deep River Books, 2010)

I’m sure you’ll agree that trusting God in the midst of His No’s is not easy! Don’t ya just hate it when you have a relationship all worked out in your mind, but it never manifests the way you dreamed it should. What’s worse is when you’ve actually started dating someone, and after having given yourself, your time, and more to him or her, God whispers His disapproval and completely steers your life in a totally different direction! Even more devastating is to have been catapulted into singleness due to a horrible divorce which occurred against your will.

To have prayed and believed to be reconciled with your former spouse, of all people, and to have been met with rejection, well, frustrating is an understatement! While you may not understand why God doesn’t give you your every heart’s desire when it comes to relationships, He does. Hopefully, a simple jog I took down memory lane will remind you that most of the time, God’s No’s really mean a later, greater Yes!

More Than One Door Closed
The other day while I was perusing Facebook, a particular profile picture seemed to jump out at me. The photo was of lady who married a man I used to have a crush on. At the time of the crush, he was single, but I had a boyfriend. It wasn’t his availability (he was not married) that drew me, nor his good looks. Rather, if you couple those two characteristics with an awesome, fun personality, and throw in that he seemed to have a super close relationship with the Lord then, well, you get the picture. He was the total package!

What single Christian woman wouldn’t be attracted to an outgoing, confident man of God like him? Seeing him on a regular basis at church only kept my heart fluttering. You see, he was the lead college and singles minister at our church, and I was in his class. Years later I reminisced with another adult who taught alongside him and learned that mine wasn’t the only crush. Lots of gals liked him.

I kept my attraction to him on the down-low due to the serious relationship in which I was involved at the time. I thought the fling with him that existed in my mind would disappear, and it eventually did. However, before the feelings dissipated, I prayed things like, “Lord, if you’ll give me someone like him first, then I’ll break up with the guy I’m currently dating.” What I meant was, “God, If you’ll conform to my will and give me what I think I want, then I’ll break off things with this pretty good guy I don’t think I want to marry.”

After much prayer and wise counsel, not only did God steer me from my crush, but He led me to break off the serious relationship turned engagement which I had been involved in for more than eight years! Each of the million times (I’m exaggerating) God shut the door on a relationship I pursued or prompted me to break up with someone, I expressed my frustration to Him in prayer. Despite my frustration, God never changed His mind.

Trust me when I say I know what it feels like to believe God is all powerful and to have prayed a long time requesting His miraculous power to help one relationship or another work out, all to no avail. I also know how it is to have to continue on as a single while yearning to be married. I remember full well the days of wondering what in the world God was doing, and questioning whether He really had great marriage plans for me. If you are in a similar place, I can empathize with you BIG time. Gratefully, I can also encourage you by sharing more of my story. Praise God I (and you can too) eventually experienced the latter half of Proverbs 30:5:

"…weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning!”

My friend, there is hope! Finally, after surrendering the right to play matchmaker in my life and forfeiting all romantic relationships strictly for the purpose of drawing closer to Jesus, I found something I never imagined I would attain until after I got married—contentment. Then, right about the time I actually started enjoying the unmarried life, God brought me the man of my dreams. So here I now sit ten years after being married, able to rejoice for every No God dished out over the course of my single life. I’m able to tell you that even though some of those guys I desired to date might have made great husbands, not one would have matched me as perfectly as the man God brought me in His perfect way and time.

My Dating Games are No Match for His Plan
His gracious refusals to conform to my will were His way of bringing me the best gift in the way of the amazing husband, beautiful family, life, and ministry I so enjoy today! I am so grateful the Lord never accepted my invitation to pull up a chair in my single mind and play the dating games I construed on a regular basis.

He won’t play your games either. My friend, God has an awesome man or woman He designed specifically for you. He has made someone for all the ex’s of your life as well, even the ex-crushes! He isn’t interested in your plan, even your good plan; He only desires to give you His best in the way of a mate. I pray that someday soon you are able thank Him not only for your spouse, but for the families He creates for those you think you might like to date or marry. I know I’m super thankful now!

The Eventual “Yes” Makes it Worth Hearing all the “No’s”
As I viewed my ex-crushes wife’s Facebook page, I took a peek at their family photos. While what God was up to at the time had been invisible, it was now clearly evident. My ex-crushes family is beautiful.

Well, one memory led to another and before long I’d recalled several occasions in which had I not obeyed God and let go of a relationship then, I, of all people, would have kept me from the man I was meant to marry! I pondered the families the Lord had given to all the could-have-been’s in my life, and praised Him for each one. More than that though, I thanked Him for the No’s and for the millions (more exaggeration) of unanswered prayers. You could say that my journey down memory lane ended in a dead sprint with my hands raised in the air with me shouting praises to the Father.

Retrospect is a great teacher; one day I pray you’ll too be able to see clearly that God’s No’s are really like arrows pointing to a greater Yes! Praise Him ahead of time for the unanswered prayers which can ultimately steer you to the greatest marriage destination, and remember that no matter how loud or long you cry, beg, moan or throw a fit, Abba Father is not going to change His mind. Believe me; I tried for years to sway Him! He wants the very best for each one of His children, and that is that! He’s God; you’re not.

My advice: surrender, draw close to Jesus, and wait for His Yes! However long it takes, wait. It’ll be worth it in the end.

Lu Lu's response to the above article on January 10, 2012:
"Wow, thank you so much for your encouraging words and prayers! It is difficult at times to live within God’s will when we fall into moments of weakness but your words and testimony fill me with the hope and strength to continue holding on to His might hand! I pray for your marriage and I’m thankful that God has given you this gift to minister to young single Christian men and women!"

Phases of Romantic Addiction and The Way of Escape

I define addiction as an unfulfilling cycle of bad choices which keeps one from experiencing God’s best and ultimately leads to death. For romantic addicts, death means ultimate forfeiture of the very best marriage plans God has for one’s life. In simpler terms, someone who refuses to trust God to meet their needs in the way of a mate may never meet The One. In the case of romantic addiction, there are three phases of the cycle:

1) The It Feels So Right Phase

2) The It’s Just Complicated Phase

3) The I’m Stuck Phase

Here’s the deal; I’ll describe the characteristics of each phase if you agree to perform an honest, introspective evaluation. So stop right now; put down your defenses, and take off your blinders. The Bible says, “The truth will set you free.” If you’re not bent on taking a good hard look at your dating life, you might as well stop wasting your time here. Go do something else. The good news for those who agree to continue reading is you get to learn in a few minutes what took me and countless others years to discover. Let’s get started.

The It Feels So Right Phase

Simply entering this initial phase does not mean you are, in fact, addicted to romance. However, take heed because this is where many are hooked. What happens is simple. First, you’re attracted to someone who thinks you’re pretty hot too. As a result, you start hanging out. Pretty quick-like, feelings I’ve heard described as lovey-dovey, ooey-gooey, tingly, and butterfly-like start to rise up within you. Each time you’re together, the feelings escalate, and you like it! As a result, you allow your brain to park in the off position and follow your heart. Therein is your problem. The Bible says the heart is deceptive above all things (Jeremiah 17:9).

With your heart as your guide, you’ll eventually land in a bed of compromise and be faced with a major decision. Will you have sex before marriage? If you choose to sin, what I have to say next will probably surprise you. At first, something so wrong will most likely feel so good and right. Even the Bible states that sin is pleasurable for a season (Hebrews 11:25). However, what promises to satisfy at the beginning will leave you empty in the end, not to mention the plethora of other consequences. The Lord tells us to “flee from sexual immorality…” (1 Corinthians 6:18). If you ignore God’s warning, when the feelings subside (and they will), you will inevitably enter phase two of the cycle. However, it’s important to note that premarital sex is not the only qualifier for landing you in next phase. Read on for details.

The It’s Just Complicated Phase

It’s Complicated is just a much cooler way to say, “I’m confused and discontented; I’m being convicted because I’ve made a lifestyle out of bad dating choices.” James of the Bible calls such persons “unstable and double-minded” (James 1:8). If you consistently do things like bounce from one bad relationship to another, attempt to justify living together or having sex before marriage, or write off personal involvement in worldly parties as no big deal (just sowing some wild oats), then, of course, things become complicated. The reason: your spirit knows what is right, but you aren’t doing it! The band Jars of Clay nails it on the head when they sing, “I am (you are) a house that is divided, in my (your) heart and in my (your) mind.” God is not to blame for your confusion; His rules regarding dating are pretty simple, and obeying Him always brings peace. It’s when you disobey that you complicate things.

Most of us know that escaping any addiction is impossible without first admitting a problem exists! Don’t think for a second that persons stuck in phase two will confess their dating life is not right. Denying the truth, addicts will instead place confessing on the back burner and press onward in hopes of recapturing the deceptive, temporary, seemingly good feelings they experienced in phase one. However, instead of finding good feelings, they inevitably will be filled with more doubt, guilt, shame, frustration, and emptiness than they ever imagined possible. In an effort to offset despair, romantic addicts arm themselves with a long list of bad excuses to continue in their folly and react defensively toward anyone, even friends or family members, who express genuine concern about their dating decisions. To their detriment, they live like they can make wrong relationships actually be right. Every poor choice carries them further and further from their relationship with Jesus. Many will choose to live in their complicated state for years before repenting and admitting their dating life needs a miraculous makeover.

The I’m Stuck Phase

Often, it’s extreme dissatisfaction, frustration, and even depression that stems from a lifestyle of unhealthy choices which catapults persons into this final phase, but I’m Stuck really isn’t as bad as it sounds. You see, it’s here that people finally fess up and admit their need for God’s help to undo their romantic mess. Someone in this phase once said, “I felt as though the Holy Spirit had me in a corner; I had to admit the truth.” Unfortunately, verbalizing your need to wait God’s way for marriage and actually doing it are two very different things. Yes! God is willing to take your trashy past and turn it to true treasure, but you must give it all to Him. True, faithful, obedient believers don’t keep a worldly back-plan (or relationship) in their pocket just in case God doesn’t come through. What’s liberating is not to merely say you believe God’s dating plan is better than yours, but to show Him by matching your walk with your talk. If you don’t, you’ll stay stuck the rest of your life!

Breaking Free

Freedom from addiction occurs when one truly seeks and obeys God. He says, “I love those who love me (Proverbs 8:17), and those who love me obey me (John 14:23-24). I reward those who diligently seek me” (Hebrews 11:6). To find your promised reward, the man or woman God intends for you, you must draw near to God. Only He can give you the strength you need to wait patiently and live righteously. God’s eyes constantly roam the earth seeking to bless whole-hearted, faithful followers (2 Chronicles 16:9). There is hope in Him alone. Any romantic addict who completely turns their eyes from what the world has to offer and looks to God to meet their need will fall entirely from the grip of romantic addiction.

Okay, here it is… a special word of encouragement for those of you who took the challenge I issued and now humbly admit you’re addicted to romance. God is saying to you, “I want you to look to Me. I am your provider (Matthew 6:31-33); I have your best interest at heart (Jeremiah 29:11). I not only can make a way to your future spouse, but I am The Way (John 14:6)!” Now He may use an online dating service, school reunion, church, a blind date, or some other means to bring you to your future spouse. However, your heart must run to Him first as your provider. He will choose the very best time and place He desires to guide you to The One.

You’re left with a choice: “Will you let God guide you, or will you return to your foolish ways as a dog returns to his vomit (Proverbs 26:11)?” You can wait God’s way for marriage and have His very best! When you find yourself caught in a romantic mess, God promises to provide a way out for you; He is faithful (I Corinthians 10:13). You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength (Philippians 4:13).

Excitedly Engaged with a Hint of Doubt

“There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.”Proverbs 14:12

I dated a good guy for several years, started when I was about 14 years old. From a worldly perspective, he was good in every sense of the word. He was good looking –tall, dark, and handsome! Additionally, there was no doubt in my mind he’d be a good provider for our prospective family! He was career minded, having job offers even before eventually graduating with a business degree. He was good at handling money too. He spoiled me with what he made, and not just with material items. His actions were always kind; he was consistently gentle and respectful toward me.

He had a nice, loving family to boot. You’ve heard it said, “you marry your in-laws too!” Well, I had it made in the shade with my prospective in-laws. They accepted me as if I was there own for years. I remember his mom cooking every meal as if I would be there, lending a listening ear whenever I needed to talk, and helping me get ready for college. His family supported and encouraged me on every occasion; I never doubted whether they would be in attendance at celebration ceremonies such as my high school and college graduations, homecoming queen ceremony, or ball games at which I cheered.

Even the timing of our relationship was good. Things at my home had gotten progressively worse over the years with quite the unthinkable occurring about the time we began dating. When things got crazy, his family provided a nice escape for me. The normalcy in their home was refreshing. I was welcomed with open arms anytime I showed up to their house, day or night. Initially, I had no doubt I would someday marry into the family of the career minded, good-looking, capable, respectful guy who spoiled me!

But there was one problem, a great problem, but I didn’t see it as great at the time. The problem was spiritual! You see, I had been saved at a young age, literally asking God to “be my daddy” one night when things were chaotic at home. The Lord had been faithful, stepping into my life granting me the peace and security every person craves. However, the closer I got to my boyfriend, the further I strayed from the Lord and His ways. I eventually traded the unsurpassable peace that only Jesus gives for a false security that physical intimacy with my boyfriend provided. At a very young age, my boyfriend and I began having sex.

Over the years, it had been super easy to justify doing something so wrong that felt so right! With the promise ring he’d given me eventually replaced by a beautiful engagement ring, eight years into the relationship we found ourselves getting ready to pursue our plans to be married and start a family. However, amid the excitement, a deep down nagging feeling of doubt within me persisted. I caught myself wondering if I had given God the opportunity to bless me with The One He intended me to marry. I also wondered if my motives to marry were pure. Was marriage simply the next step I was taking to justify sexual sin? I decided to ask God.

God’s response to my heartfelt prayers shocked me. “Flee from sexual immorality…” rang through my spirit. I’d known several people who’d married to ‘make it right,’ but the Lord continually confirmed I was not to do so. After much prayer, I broke off the engagement and set out to be sex free for a while. With God’s help, I was successful. After taking several huge steps of faith to remove myself from temptation, I grew closer to the Lord Jesus and found myself at peace once again.

In chapter one of Single Woman Seeks Perfect Man: Facing the Consequences of Unhealthy Relationships, you can read the full story of how God seemingly moved Heaven and earth to gift me with The One I know I was meant to marry! I found that even my good plans for marriage paled in comparison to the man God desired to gift me! His offer extends to you as well. The marriage plans God has for your life are better than the plans you have for yourself! I encourage you to fully surrender your good dreams to “the one who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,” to the one who longs to replace your doubt with “the peace that surpasses all understanding!” (Phillipians 4:7)

Five Red Flags for Christians Blinded by Romance

Here’s Your Sign! You’re in a Bad Relationship if…

…there is abuse in your midst.

It’s such a common thing that either you’ve heard of it or are caught up in it yourself! What is it? It is the seemingly endless habit many couples have in which they will fight and makeup on a regular basis. Sure! It makes for great movies, but what works for a 90 minute Hollywood hit is a no go in the real world. When it comes to making up, don’t misunderstand me. It’s perfectly healthy to forgive, but it’s not okay to be stupid. What I mean is this: if fighting in your dating world means hitting, pushing, shoving, name calling, yelling, manipulating, or anything rude that occurs on a consistent basis then, of course, turn the other cheek and walk away. It’s simple. In bad relationships, bad things happen and will continue to happen if you let them. Don’t be stupid; be wise. Wisdom always does now what brings satisfaction later. For you, being smart means that after you leave the relationship you shouldn’t go back! When God gave the Israelites an exodus opportunity, they took it. You should too! If your relationship is even slightly abusive, consider this your sign to exit the relationship NOW!

“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” I Corinthians 6:19-20

…you are living in sin together.

I assume you know right and wrong when it comes to sins such as lying, stealing, and killing. This article isn’t meant for Bonnie and Clyde couples headed for jail. Rather, I’ll cut to the chase and zone in on those of you caught up in one of the more deceptive, yet prevalent sin in the dating world! More than likely you or someone you know is messin’ around. You guessed it! Some call it premarital sex; others call it marriage out of wedlock. In case you haven’t heard, God calls it S-I-N. Yah, I know. It feels so right, and you have every excuse in the world to continue. However, what seems right in the heat of the moment is not worth its cost in the end. When you have sex with anyone other than your spouse, things happen, bad things. It takes one time to lose your virginity, one time to contract an STD, one time to become addicted to sexual immorality, one time for your fiancé’s respect for you to dissipate forever… Get my point? The Bible states that while sin is pleasurable for a season, the after effects are horrible! If you’re living in sin, take a u-turn. Repent and stay pure until you’ve said your wedding vows!

“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually sins against his own body.” I Corinthians 6:18

…you doubt the person you are dating is The One you are meant to marry and fear keeps you from breaking off the relationship.

James T. Draper wrote, “Doubt never means yes and always means no or wait a while: God does not lead through doubt. If you can’t get peace, that is an answer.” When God opens the door for marriage in your life, you will know that you know you are with the right person. If you aren’t 100% certain that things should progress, you’d better take a time-out from the relationship and pray for God to clearly confirm His will! I know. I know. You don’t think it’s that simple. I know because I’ve been there. If you choose to ignore the unrest in your spirit and continue on with this person you just don’t think you can live without, I’ll tell you what comes next! Excuses! Don’t go so far as justifying staying in a relationship you’ll wish you had abandoned later. Here’s why: in the dating world, thoughts like, “I can’t break up because…,” mean that doubt has given the keys to fear which will drive you down a rough road containing potholes of confusion and bumps of anxiety. If that’s not enough, your joy tank will eventually read empty. If travels down doubt path have you pondering whether or not to proceed in your current dating relationship, allow me to throw up a sign for you which reads, “faith and peace mean go; doubt and fear mean NO!”

…The one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. James 1:6-8

…concerned attitudes surround you.

Ever turned on the television or radio to catch a sermon, song, or message seemingly written specifically for you? Anyone ever crossed your path leaving a comment or two that spoke directly to your heart? What about people who know you well? Are family and/or friends at all iffy about your decision to move forward with the one you are presently dating? Rather than take a defensive approach to their input, consider that emotions can hamper your ability to see as clearly as those positioned on the outside-looking-in to your life. If it’s true that you don’t want to look back someday after the romantic feelings subside (and they will), and regret you lost (amongst other blessings) valuable time. Then, ask God for discernment as you listen to others’ advice. If what they are saying is consistent with His Word and spoken in love, then imagine His mighty hand gently tapping your shoulder, prompting you to turn from your plans and take a better path. Consistent concerns are red flags God has lovingly placed in your life to warn you of trouble up ahead! Listen. Learn. Be smart. Break up. Get out of the danger zone.

“A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. Like an earring of gold or an ornament of fine gold is a wise man’s rebuke to a listening ear.” Proverbs 25:11-12

…you’re dating an unbeliever.

Are you dating someone who does not have a personal relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ? Most Christians who hang onto a non believer actually think they are the best chance that their unsaved date will ever have for knowing Jesus? Don’t be deceived. Someone has already coined a word for this false evangelistic strategy. It is called Missionary Dating. Christian, you are not Holy Spirit Junior! There are no guarantees in life, and this includes the salvation of your current date! God gives each person free will. God waits to be wanted, and so should you. If you’re a believer dating an unsaved person, your date has not only rejected the Lord but also the Lord living in you. Therefore, he or she does not want ALL of you! You are God’s, and He is jealous for you. Any emotional attachment you have toward a person who is not on the same spiritual page as you, or vice versa, is an unhealthy attachment! Read and learn from those such as Samson of the Bible, and do now what you’ll otherwise wish you would have done later. Heed God’s Word, and be not unequally yoked! Yes! That means break up and move on!

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14

Shannon's response to the above article in January of 2012:
"One thing I love about you, Dani, is your boldness! I also enjoy this line: “You are God’s, and He is jealous for you.” That is–the good kind of jealous, the kind that builds up, the kind that loves and is not selfish.

Renee's response to the above article on January 26, 2012:
"Wow these are some bold words, thank you for sharing Dani!"

Kris' response on January 26, 2012:
"Love it! And so true, thank you for the amazing reminders, as well as the small ones. It is always encouraging and affirming to hear what you already know in new words!"
~K

Breaking Up is Difficult but Doable

When I was single, I became involved in a relationship that lasted about eight years. In the eyes of the world, my boyfriend was a pretty good guy. I readily admit he didn’t leave me much to complain about; he treated me like a queen most of the time. I found our being together easily justifiable. Nevertheless, soon after becoming officially engaged to him, doubt crept into my heart. God began confirming he wasn’t the man for me. Eventually, I found myself craving God’s better plan for my life and tried to break up. However, breaking up, as the song goes, is hard to do!

I’ve reminisced with numerous singles caught in the same mess. They aren’t with their boyfriend or girlfriend because they truly want to be, but because they feel stuck. Some explain that they’ve tried to walk away only to return boomerang style. I remember the seemingly endless cycle myself. It went something like this: feel conviction, break up, return to his pleading heart, crave God’s better plan, break up, return and apologize to him for ever having left in the first place, begin to doubt, break up…You get the picture.

Are you a Christian who truly craves God’s awesome plans for your life, especially in regards to marriage, but right now you don’t feel you’re capable of making the break? Maybe you’ve already tried severing ties and failed. Perhaps you’re just about ready to throw your hands in the air and settle. Don’t! Simply admitting you need to abandon the relationship is a huge accomplishment! Congratulations! I call the seed of desire in your heart, your want to. I know. I know. Some of you don’t want to break up, but you know you should. You, my friend, have the want to to want to!

By God’s grace, desire became reality in my life. I tested God’s faithfulness by abandoning what could have been a great life with a good guy, and I waited for the Lord to bring me the man of my dreams. God did not fail me. As a matter of fact, He worked such an amazing miracle to unite me with my husband that I’ve chosen to include our story in Chapter One of the book Single Woman Seeks Perfect Man: Facing the Consequences of Unhealthy Relationships. God’s amazing goodness compels me to share the not so secret formula with you. To ensure a successful breakup, you must do three things:

First, gratefully accept that the yearning you have for a better future (and a better relationship) is a gift from God. Scripture teaches that it is God who works in you to will and act according to His good purpose (Philippians 2:13). This means that the desire (and the strength) to wait the right way for your perfect match is a gift from God alone. You must believe that the want to in your heart was put there by God’s loving, gracious hand. Humbly welcome His spirit to continue convicting you, and allow those convictions to thrust you closer to The Gift Giver. Admit that unless Almighty God continues changing your heart, you will continue blindly and foolishly trying to make something so wrong (your present relationship) feel so right!

Next, you must grow your faith. Without faith, you’ll never risk giving up Mr. Wrong (or Mr. Right) because faith is believing without seeing that God will bring you The One He has prepared for you to marry (Hebrews 11:1)! Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God (Romans 10:17). This means, in order to build your faith, you must read your Bible. You must also pray. Why? Because while reading God’s Word is like allowing His light to shine through windows in your heart, prayer opens the front door and welcomes Him in completely. Faith is only one of the many good and perfect gifts He longs to bring you when He comes into your life (Ephesians 2:8-9). Be completely honest and consistent in your prayers. Begin now, right where you are, increasing your faith by coupling the reading of scripture with prayer. God promises to reward those who diligently seek Him (Hebrews 11:6)!

Last, you must act! Faith without works is dead. You may have heard it said the proof is in the pudding. For you, the proof is in your actions. If you say that you believe God’s plans for your life are better than your own, but your walk doesn’t match your talk, you lie. God waits for an excuse to bless you, but He will not bless disobedience. If God is urging you to break up, you must rely on His strength and do it! The Lord says, I love those who love me, and those who love me obey me (John 14:23, Proverbs 17:8) Apart from God you can do nothing, but with God you must do something! Obey God and all will go well with you (Jeremiah 7:23); Live for God and He will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4)! All things are possible through Christ who strengthens you (Philippians 4:13). This means that for those of us who claim to be God’s children, breaking up might be hard to do, but not impossible! Wait a minute! I know it’s possible because with God’s help I did it, and you can too!

Terry's response to the above article on March 16, 2012:
" Going through this as we speak. Only difference is the number of years( it’s been almost ten).
Guilt has crept upon me many times but I just know I have to do this as frightful as it might be. Thanks for this confirmation. It’s right on time…"

The Top 10 Excuses You Make To Stay In A Bad Relationship
And the Reason Why You Should Stop Making Them
© 2011 Dani Miser, Author of Single Woman Seeks Perfect Man (Deep River Books, 2010)

“There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.”Proverbs 14:12

Excuse #1

I’d rather settle for him than be alone.

What’s wrong with being single? You’re not alone (Hebrews 13:5). For real! Christians, you are totally complete in Christ, lacking nothing (Colossians 4:12)! If you are settling for an unhealthy relationship just to have a warm body near, you are missing the amazing indescribable intimacy God offers you; He will continue to politely step aside as you choose to accept less (Psalm 25:16). Seek to be complete in Him (Proverbs 8:17), first, and ditch this excuse before you miss “the one” that He has purposed for you to marry (Psalm 139:16)! Give God a chance, for He is your provider (2 Corinthians 9:8) and is able to do abundantly above all that you could possibly ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20)!

“…Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” –God, Hebrews 13:5

Excuse #2

I’m Comfortable

Is change something that makes you cringe? Are you stringing a relationship along primarily because it has benefits? Money? Companionship? Image? Physical Intimacy? Fun!? Nice, familiar routine? Let’s face it, we have all temporarily turned to everything from shopping to food for fulfillment. Things…even relationships with benefits can never truly satisfy (Colossians 3:2). They are shallow tools the enemy offers convincing you to wear a mask of contentment (John 10:10; 1 Peter 5:8). By faith, step out of the known to grasp the true and amazing unexplainable peace and joy (Isaiah 55:12) God offers to those who choose to trust in Him alone to meet all their needs (Proverbs 3:5)!

“My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.” Jeremiah 2:13

Excuse #3

I love him.

“But I looooove him!” If I had a nickel for every time I heard those words! Geez! I love my dog! I love my brother! I love my pet hamster! There is a difference in loving and being “in love” and fully committed to the person you KNOW you were meant to marry…for better or worse! You have to get out of the “love” boat to walk on the water. What I mean is, you have to move away from the one you “love” and walk out into the unknown toward God patiently til’ He brings you your one True Love. Don’t miss your reward! It takes faith! (Hebrews 11:6)

“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on water, and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” Matthew 14:28-31

Excuse #4

We’ve had sex.

I confessed to a distant cousin that I was having doubts about my recent engagement. My biggest fear was that I had to stay with him simply because I had, had sex with him. Is this how you feel? Well, He reminded me that sex outside marriage is a sin. Because you have already begun is really not an excuse to continue. Sex outside marriage brings horrible consequences to every area of life, leading ultimately to death (James 1:15). Is it a ride you want to continue? Ask God to cast this excuse down with your sin to the depths of the ocean (Isaiah 43:25) and exchange it for His perfect forgiveness. I did, and God helped me move from the pit of sexual sin to the one He created specifically for me!

“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually sins against his own body.” I Corinthians 6:18

Excuse #5

We have a child together.

Okay. So you’re single and pregnant, or maybe you’re single with children already. You have a great reason to abandon, not your kids, but the bad relationship that entangles you (Hebrews 12:1). Admit it. As children, most of us aspired to have better lives than those who raised us. Here’s the kicker; our starting point regarding relationships was the exact representation of what ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ modeled for each of us. My point…it is better to stay single and model contentment (I Timothy 6:6) and trust in the Lord than to marry, model a bad relationship, and end up having to raise your grandchildren who, according to statistics, will do the same. The choices YOU make affect future generations! (Exodus 20:5-6) Ponder that!

“But showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.”

Exodus 20:6

Excuse #6

I’m waiting until Mr. Right comes along.

Let’s get serious! If Mr. Right crosses your path, he’ll consider your low standards unattractive and immature. Your present relationship portrays evidence of the needy, insecure person you are choosing to be! The bad relationship you’re in is a huge red flag to the Christ-like, confident mate you truly desire to be with. No-It’s more like a stop sign! Don’t allow a mountain of insecurity to cause Mr. Right to take a u-turn! Hanging onto mediocre relationships is like dumpster diving for trash when God is offering true treasure just around the bend!

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14

Excuse #7

We’re engaged, already committed.

Have you agreed to marry him, but now you’re having doubts? If there is doubt, DON’T! Use the valuable opportunity you have now for a “time-out” to reevaluate, or choose to live the rest of your life with regret! “But,” you say, “I’ve already started planning a wedding, and I’m looking forward to a honeymoon.” Get your eyes off worldly things and ask God to open your spiritual eyes (Isaiah 44:18). Doubt is a warning from the Holy Spirit! It’s the opposite of peace. Patience is key (Galatians 5:22). Wait on God (Hebrews 6:15). You’re at a fork in the road; choose your will or God’s. Steps of blind faith will lead you to awesome treasure (Hebrews 11:1).

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5

Excuse #8

I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

Has your heart left the picture, but your still hanging around because you’d like him to stay happy? Maybe you feel bad leaving him because he has spent so much time and money on you. You’re not stock; this isn’t an investment game! Have you tried to walk away but his craftiness persuaded you to stay? You’re not a puppet; pull your hearts strings from his grip! Your people pleasing nature, coupled with his controlling tendencies, are brewing up your worst nightmare. It’s time to be concerned more with honoring God than your boyfriend (John 5:30). Your sacrificing your life to appease him; rest assured, God has good plans for him too (Jeremiah 29:11)! Call this excuse what it is, guilt and manipulation, and learn how to say “no!” Better yet, say “good-bye” to Mr. Wrong.

“…We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts.” 1 Thessalonians 2:4

Excuse #9

He’s good enough for me.

Maybe you’re thinking, “I don’t deserve any better,” or perhaps you assume you’d never land among the stars so you’ve resolved to never shoot for the moon. Drop your self-construed measuring stick and pick up God’s Word where “good enough” amounts to filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6) for all of us! Our Father seeks to bless you, not because you deserve it, but because of His great love! Give Creator God (Genesis 1:14) the opportunity to bring the moon (your man) to you!

^“And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.” Ephesians 2:6-8

Excuse #10

He’ll change for the better!

Down here in Texas, most of us girls like a little outlaw in our man! We are raised to be fixers. We’ve seen Mama fix everything from a boo-boo with a kiss, to hamburger made to taste like steak! Naturally, we think we can turn a frog or even a snake into a prince with a kiss! BUT…sometimes a snake is just a snake and we wind up bit! Come on! Who are you kidding!? You can’t change him, and he’s comfortable the way he is. You BE who God called you to BE and let God DO the changing (Philippians 2:13)! Truth be told, you need to run the other direction! Bad relationships are poisonous!

“I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
Philippians 4:13

“Take Delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4

Shannon's response to the above article:
"Change and uncertainty are two things I fear. It’s so much easier being comfortable! God continues to show me that I will only ever find true comfort and fulfillment in Him…so I might as well stop expecting to find it in relationships with people! And this part gave me a laugh: “Down here in Texas, most of us girls like a little outlaw in our man!” Ha! Love it.
What a relevant topic. Thanks for your words!"

Tyna responded to the above article, "Amen! And Amen!"

Mary’s Battle with Pornography:

A true story of spiritual warfare against one of the most prevalent sin’s of our time

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

Ephesians 6:12

Mary and Rick had only been married about two years when Mary discovered Rick’s hidden addiction to pornography. She knew he’d viewed pornography in his single years, but he had decided upon entering marriage to abandon what he had called a casual hobby. Mary and Rick were both believers and knew God had His hand in their coming together in marriage. God had confirmed to both their hearts they were truly meant for one another. They knew the Lord had great plans for them as a couple. Now Mary was having doubts.

She was pregnant with her third child and her emotions were a mess. With each emotional outburst, she put up a new wall of resistance. She and Rick were like two opposing magnets; the closer they tried to get, the further they bounced in opposite directions. Pretty soon, she had built walls so high as to almost completely shut out physical intimacy with Rick. Even his touch would make her cringe. The betrayal she felt in her heart was reason enough to justify the rude thoughts about him that grappled her mind. Her unhealthy thinking was easily justifiable, and the self-construed solutions to this mess constantly captivated her thoughts.

One night, she had, had enough. Everyone was fast asleep while she lay in the bed tossing in waves of anxiety. Mary tip-toed to the living area, and with a heavy heart she cried unto the Lord. The words that spilled from her lips initially involved her hurt; she told God she couldn’t handle the situation any longer.

She had her Bible, and looked down to read a passage about the power of prayer when the Holy Spirit reminded her of God’s mighty right hand. Immediately, she saw a vision of her husband having three chains upon his back. The largest chain protruded from the back of his head while the others were smaller, falling from each shoulder. Each stronghold was labeled; pornography was the heaviest weight.

For the first time since she discovered the offense, as she prayed, God began softening Mary’s heart toward Rick. She saw a glimpse of him as God did. She began to grieve not because she had been offended, but that Rick was under attack, spiritually…that his walk with God was being hindered. Her anger turned from Rick to the enemy and the plans he sought for them. It was in that moment that God showed her something else.

His mighty right hand was positioned above Rick’s head, and in it was a running chainsaw. The Holy Spirit revealed that if she would but pray fervently (James 5:16), His hand would begin the process of cutting each chain. Mary did pray that night for Rick’s deliverance. She also prayed that God would help her love him unconditionally so that her joy might be complete (John 15:9-12).

Though it was not easy, with God’s help, Mary truly forgave Rick. She forgave him again and again each time he struggled and gave into sin. As a matter of fact, Rick tried with all his might to quit the habit! When he finally admitted the hobby was actually an addiction, he threw his hands in the air and called it quits. He had done his best and failed. He couldn’t stop! Because of his sin, he wasn’t sure if he could be the husband God had called him to be. He asked for a divorce, and in a heated discussion told Mary to “get out.” As she was leaving, the Holy Spirit guided her gentle words. “Rick,” she said, “I will never divorce you. I am totally committed. I will give you some space and let you simmer down. I’ll be back in a few hours.”

Believe it or not, God was still at work mending their marriage. Mary learned that it was God, not Rick, who alone could meet her needs. And Rick eventually learned that unless God had given him the “want to”, he would have never desired to quit his “hobby” in the first place. After acknowledging that God is the one who works in His children to act and will according to His good purpose (Philippians 2:13), Rick was able to humble himself.

They both vowed to neither mention, much less even consider filing for divorce. He and Mary resolved to go ahead and take advantage of the many resources God put in their path for help. The healing process continued for years, but as looks a pearl after it’s many adversities, their marriage is more beautiful and satisfying now than ever!

Mary, Rick, their four children, and many others in their circle of life rejoice that Mary did not obey reason and justify her anger by choosing to resolve this issue of betrayal in her own way. God honored her Hosea-like faith, and to the amazement of she and Rick, God has called them both to help pull others out of the slimy pit of sexual sin.

If you have an internal storm brewing due to marital unfaithfulness, whether it be pornography or an all out affair, God is available and willing to help you walk in love and forgiveness. He alone can truly satisfy your every longing and meet all your needs. He says, “Come to me all you who are weary and I will give you rest” (Matt. 11:28)

Invite His hand into your personal life and marriage. His grace is sufficient…

Has pornography crept into your marriage?

5 Do’s and Don’ts Mary Learned:

Don’ts

1.Don’t blame yourself.

2.Don’t encourage or excuse the behavior.

3.Don’t assume he wants to continue.

4.Don’t assume divorce is imminent.

5.Don’t ignore the issue.

Do’s

1.Continually walk in love and forgiveness.

2.Gently speak the truth to him, and invite him to share his heart on the issue.

3.Renew your mind continually by reading God’s Word.

4.Commit to working through the issue asking God to confirm which resources to pursue.

5.Above all, PRAY and let GOD unfold your marriage as he unfolds a rose.

Mary’s Battle with Pornography: Overcoming Emotional Strongholds

“To defeat spiritual darkness surrounding us, we must first win the battle within.”

-Dani Miser

(based on Gal. 5:16-20)

Mary was feeling great about life! Her marriage was thriving. It had taken years of faith and perseverance to have finally arrived in this place! She and Rick had fought, and by God’s grace, had overcome numerous struggles. Now, they were closer than ever before. The two had just surrendered their lives completely to the Lord. God was pointing the way to their future as an apartment ministry team.

During her quite time each morning, Mary recorded her thoughts as prayers to Jesus, specifically thanking Him for breaking the pornography stronghold that once tried to suffocate their true intimacy. Everything was fantastic in her life! She was super excited about serving God alongside her husband. The house was on the market, and God had made the plan crystal clear. Now all she could do was wait.

As she prayed each morning, her impatience grew. The house wasn’t selling, but the ministry position remained opened for them. What was the hold up? God’s answer to Mary’s question was direct, immediate, and it startled her. The revelation… Mary was still in bondage!

The happiness in Mary’s life was no match for the full peace and joy God yearned to give her. Truth be told, she was an emotional roller coaster. If everything was great in life, she was in a great mood. Her attitude was tied to her circumstances; her emotions were contingent on Rick’s choices. The moment things seemed a little off course, Mary allowed old feelings of betrayal to bubble to the forefront of her mind. Her emotions could easily get the best of her.

Mary had no idea that her insecurities more than doubled the huge load of pressure Rick carried as leader of the family. Sometimes he wondered if Mary’s love for him was pure. Was it conditional? Mary, on the other hand, was unaware her emotions could do so much damage. She had no idea she expected Rick to satisfy her deep longings for real security, joy, and all the good things only God can give.

Could it be true? Was she really in bondage? She was about to find out. Mary ended her prayer time and decided to clean house. She knew Rick would like coming home to a fresh environment. She started with the office. As she dusted the computer, curiosity got the best of her. She thought, “I’ll just review the website history once; if everything is clear, I’ll have reason to celebrate!”

Rather than rejoice, Mary fell to her knees in tears! Twice in two years, he had stumbled. She thought to herself, “Of course this could have been prevented had I held up my end of the agreement to keep the computer locked, but ultimately this was his mistake. How could he be so weak?”

Mary allowed her emotions to swallow her; her entire demeanor changed. There was still much to celebrate, but Mary chose to let herself sink into a sea of negativity. She began to doubt God’s call on their lives. Could God still use them? Then, it hit her. For the first time in her life she realized she was living as a slave…to her emotions! She was in bondage! She tried to pull herself together; she reapplied her makeup, and prayed for help.

After what seemed like forever, Rick excitedly stepped into the door announcing he’d be taking the entire family out for a surprise! His voice dropped as his eyes noticed Mary; he could tell something was wrong. “Rick”, Mary said gently, “I’ll be okay; we can talk later.” She whispered to God, “help me walk in love and forgiveness tonight.”

The storm raged within Mary, but this time was different. Instead of running to Rick to sob, moan, or explode, she quietly stepped into the bathroom and prayed. “Dear Jesus, Rick and I have some very special plans today. The kids are excited. I need to know you are near. Will you please show up in my day? I know you are God and can do anything. Please don’t scare me, but please show up in way that I know is really You. I need to know that you are with me, that you love me, and that you understand my hurt. Please also pour your grace over our marriage.”

She exited the bathroom and remained calm as she dressed the children. Dad was taking them somewhere special, and they were filled with excitement! But the hurt was still there. She tried to prevent the tears but they came despite her efforts. Rather than running to Rick (she knew it was difficult for him to see her cry) she stepped into the laundry room. Shutting the door behind her, Mary prayed again, “God, here come the tears. Help me hold them back; please, give me peace. I need to know you are right here with me.”

Immediately, her eyes caught a recent purchase she’d laid on the dryer. It was a book, Come Away, My Beloved, by Frances J. Roberts. Without thinking, she opened the book. It was amazing how God chose to speak directly to her heart in that instant. The words her eyes absorbed were simple and direct…enveloped in perfect peace. The text simply said…”…never forget that I am there; I am with you.” The peace and the answer came so quickly! She was content knowing God answered her prayer; Mary was ready to face the day, but God wasn’t finished!

The drive was quiet. The kids looked out the windows with excitement as they wondered about their destination. Mary sat with an unexplainable peace, pondering this whole idea of emotional bondage. She was grateful God helped her pull it together and she knew He was near, but what about Rick? Had he sought forgiveness? Was God finished with him? Could they still be used to serve Him?

Rick ‘s sudden decision to turn into a convenient store parking lot interrupted her thoughts. Rick jumped out of the car, when seemingly out of nowhere, acting as if Rick had made arrangements to meet him there, a cleancut gentlemen riding a bicycle appeared. He propped his bike next to the truck near the passenger side close to Mary and quickly walked into the store alongside Rick. Upon exiting the store, Mary noticed the gentlemen carrying a bottle of water and a sandwich. Her eyes followed him; he seemed so pleasant.

As Rick hurriedly entered the truck and placed it in drive, Mary turned to see the man’s face once more. He was looking directly into her eyes and he smiled. Tears came to her eyes, and this time the kids did notice. One of them questioned, “mom, you are crying happy tears, aren’t you?” “Of course, I am,” Mary responded, “Jesus just showed up in our day!” Mary proceeded, “Rick, will you please tell me what the man said before you forget? I want to know every word!” Rick looked at Mary as if she’d lost her mind until he uttered the words the man had spoken. He had simply said three things. “I just got a job but haven’t received a paycheck. I am hungry; will you get me something to eat. I am thirsty. Will you get me something to drink.”

Rick and Mary stopped speechless in that moment as they both pondered Jesus’ words,

“For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink…” Mt. 25:35

God confirmed to both their hearts in that instant that He loved them, He was still with them, and His invitation to serve was still open despite their weaknesses.

Jesus said, “My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness…” 2 Co.12:8

The Top 5 Reasons You Lie And Why You Must Stop

“Deception slowly coils itself around the best of relationships, and suffocates good fellowship, severing even the strongest ties.”

Dani Miser

Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. LIES! They are all around us, burning like wildfire on the news, in our families, amongst our circles of friends. What’s wrong with transparency? What happened to black is black and white is white absolute truth? God’s word commands, “thou shalt not lie.” So, why do we do it!?

Excuse #1

Not wanting to hurt a person’s feelings.

One of the biggest reasons for lying stuns me! The idea that dishonesty is a helpful tool is so twisted. When the truth exposes itself (and it will), rest assured that, like a knife, it will sever strands of trust in any relationship. Be real. Be genuine. Ask God for courage to lovingly speak the truth always.

Say you have been invited to a mutual friend’s party. However, you’re not sure if Randy was invited. You’re on the way out the door when she calls to see if she can stop by. In case she wasn’t invited (you don’t want to hurt her feelings), you tell her you’re going shopping. After the party ends, she suddenly realizes that she overlooked the save the date for the party she was, in fact, invited to attend! You were there, but you lied about it. The truth is out and your candy-coated actions are seen as pure deception! Your foolish fib irritates Randy, and she’s upset she missed the party! She spent all that time waiting for you to get home when she could’ve been there. Her mind begins to wonder about your character and commitment to the friendship. She begins to doubt that she can trust you in other areas when you’ve lied about something so miniscule. She looks back at the scenario, realizing that she would have preferred being uninvited to your blatant lie! Oh! This little white one that you wrapped in a package of good intentions sickens Randy causing the complete trust she once had in you to dissipate forever!

Next time this excuse seems alright, ponder some What If’s. What if she wasn’t invited? What if she gets her feelings hurt? What if I ditch this idea that my job is to manipulate the truth in order to keep my friend smiling? What if I were in her place? Wouldn’t I want to know the truth? And if speaking the truth in love causes your friend to walk away, well maybe she wasn’t a true friend anyway!

“They (liars) flatter with their lips but harbor deception in their hearts.” Psalm 12:2

Excuse #2

An inner compulsion or request to protect someone else?

Say you’re reminiscing with a friend at his house when suddenly you notice a loose venomous snake! After warning your friend of the danger, he insists you simply throw a blanket over the reptile and pretend it isn’t there. I don’t know about you, but my response would be, “Dude! I love you man! I’ll pray for you, but I’m outta here!” People who use this excuse sometimes say they’re covering for someone! Really?! Covering what? Protecting people from the consequences their deeds deserve is quite an impossible task, especially since God Himself says so! Out of sight, out of mind mentality works about as good in this case as it would with a snake! Try to hide the truth and you’ll get bit in the backside when you least expect it! God tells us in His Word that sin doesn’t go unpunished! Now is the time to believe exactly that! Their sin will find them out; your best efforts won’t prevent it! So, hang around at your own risk. If you do, you’ll both end up bit! Knowingly befriending a deceiver is super risky, but covering for them doubles the danger! Don’t be stupid. Rather than stay vulnerable, simply walk away!

Next time this excuse slithers to the forefront of your mind, consider your heart’s motivation. You might ask, “who am I living to please?” It’s impossible to live for Christ and please those who don’t! A mask of innocence and best intentions to keep the peace will not work in a case where another is intent on living a deceptive lifestyle! Wake up! Heed his word. Speaking the truth in love, warn them once, warn them twice and then have nothing to do with them! Why? Because in honesty lies the hope that they will be brought to the saving Grace of God through Jesus who is the way, the TRUTH, and the life (Jhn 14:6)! Who knows? God may have purposely allowed you to be in your friend’s life for such a time as this!

“You (God) destroy those who tell lies.” Psalm 5:6

Excuse #3

Shame or embarrassment.

Are you overly concerned about what others think of you? Hmmm. Dare I call you an insecure hypocrite!? Who are you trying to impress anyway? The Bible says we have all sinned and fall short of God’s glory. God knows everything about you and loves you anyway. Everyone has weaknesses.

God doesn’t call the perfect, but perfects the called! Instead of hiding, pray for courage to bring your weaknesses to light! Place your hope in the amazing God who works despite our imperfections!

I’ve been on both sides of this excuse! For eight years, I was too embarrassed to tell my family that their Perfect Child (my nickname) was sinning sexually! An overly concerned attitude regarding how others might react upon finding that Miss Goody Goody messed up, prompted me to ignore the issue. I shut the door on the truth for a looong time! This is something I tend to do even with temporal things such as a messy room! Have you, like me, ever found yourself shutting a door in the house that needs major help! Well, this area in my life became so junky I couldn’t keep the door shut! As God beckons us to do, I eventually admitted my problem! I learned later that an honest, surrendered heart is what it took to gain God’s best for my life. After surrendering fully to God, He turned my trash to treasure, my test to TESTimony! He waits to be invited into your life too; He longs to help you. With Him, you can face your inadequacies, whatever they are! I urge you to open the door and let God’s light expose your dark secrets. Invite the Savior to cleanse and begin the work of sanctification in every room of your life! God is able to work all things, even your mistakes, together for your good and His glory! Just trust that though you are weak, He is strong and more than able to use you! Step out in faith today. God has designed you exactly as you are to fulfill the great and mighty plans and purposes He has for you (Eph. 2:10)!

…Jesus said to them,”it is not the healthy that need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” Mark 2:17

Excuse #4

Fear of rejection or failure.

Fear. Boy! I just hit the nail on the head! Fear underlies dishonesty altogether. Have you ever misconstrued the truth because you simply don’t think you could bare a consequence sure to follow exposure of your dark secret? Hiding behind your blanket of lies only provides a false sense of security!

I know a man who had a short-lived affair early in his marriage. He was afraid to be honest with his wife because he truly loved her; he wanted her to stay with him. For years, his actions lied. He was a master deceiver. Those who knew him truly believed that he was, and always had been faithful. About the time the couple entered the period commonly referred to as ‘mid-life crisis’ stage, some minor setbacks occurred in their relationship. Though the latest friction in no way demanded separation, the short-lived affair which happened years prior did! Small town gossipers heard of the couples’ rough waters and called the kettle black! What timing! You see, Mr. Unfaithful thought that his deceit would protect him. However, his fears had crippled the situation. Early honesty would have most likely promoted growth and healing in their marriage! Instead, his lack of transparency more than doubled his wife’s pain and sorrow causing her to leave him for good. I am sure his advice to you would be admit your mistake and seek to resolve your issue ASAP! Allowing God’s light to expose your darkest secrets, AKA repenting, brings a sense of freedom and hope for a better future!

“Fear of man is proved to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” Proverbs 29:25

Excuse #5

Selfish gain.

I’ve met my fair share of conceited, self-serving, and rude people; I’m sure you can say the same. As a matter of fact, each of us, some time in our lives, has played the part of a selfish fool! Of course you’d be the last to fess up if, in fact, I’m describin’ you! Most people simply live life to please themselves. They will do whatever it takes to get what they want; for them, lying is no big deal.

Since people using this excuse have a hard time admitting it, you’ll have to muster up the courage to at least be honest with yourself for this quick self inventory. Ask yourself, “Have I ever spoken outright untruths simply to satisfy my own craving for drama or gossip? “Do I ever use words as weapons to tear down others?” If no, let’s dig a little deeper. Perhaps insecurities make it difficult for you to keep your self-focused boasting and bragging to a minimum! If so, you might have a tendency to throw out the bait of exaggeration in exchange for acceptance and kind compliments from others? If not, then ask of yourself one more, “Have I ever manipulated the truth regarding things or circumstances for selfish gain? If you honestly (no pun intended) answered yes to any of the following questions, then I urge you to admit you use this excuse and ask God for courage to stop!

A quick recall of the sufferings of Jesus should help you turn your eyes to honest living. When reading of Him, we recall His attitude, His responses, His meekness, His love, His compassion. He had the power to have called ten thousand angels. He had the ability to show them who He really was and He wouldn’t have been stretching the facts! Jesus, more than anyone, could have manipulated circumstances to appease his flesh! However, he chose to abandon whatever made him feel good so that His life completely honored and fulfilled the plans God had for Him. He lived not to please Himself. He came to die for us so we could walk in freedom from sin, from spiritual bondage! No, we are not perfect this side of Heaven, but Jesus’ sacrifice made a way for us to access God’s power which enables us to fully abandon falsehood! For at the cross we can exchange selfish attitudes for humble, peaceful hearts. Being ensconced and fully content in a relationship with Father God is worth the trade!

“But if you harbor…selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.” James 3:14

Suicidal Intentions, Based on a True Story

Written to Youth Leaders or Singles Looking for True Love

(Deep River Books, 2010)

Nicole loved working at church. It was fun which, by the way, seemed to be Nicole’s top priority in life. Her spontaneous nature was much like that of a butterfly. Wherever she landed, she brought smiles, laughter, and joy. Nicole simply lived in the moment. She didn’t like to thinks things through. So, since becoming lead youth director sounded interesting, within minutes of the offer, she’d accepted. Nicole really couldn’t believe that she, of all people, would be considered for such an awesome leadership role, but everyone who knew her agreed it was a perfect match. She loved people, the Lord, and could turn any situation into a good time. Naturally, youth flocked to her. Without surprise, within a few short weeks of assuming the position, the number of youth attending her small Texas church more than tripled! Her positive attitude drew people. In no time, it was crystal clear to Nicole that she was exactly where God wanted her. But ministry isn’t always about numbers, and life is about more than just having fun.

As with most any job, a sea of paperwork ensued. After a few short weeks, Nicole thought, “if I don’t at least begin sorting through this mess, my desk is sure to drown!” Today was the day that she’d dive on in and do it. She made up her mind to work a little overtime. After a couple of hours, a feeling of completion finally hit! “How refreshing,” Nicole thought as she pondered the exciting evening she’d planned with her family. She darted toward the exit door where a life changing encounter waited, one that would forever change her perspective on life. God had already confirmed she was where she needed to be, but why was she there? She hadn’t pondered that. Position and purpose go hand in hand. To be where God wants us without doing what He requires is to miss His will completely. There is a way that seems right (fun, good, joyous), but in the end it leads to death.

At just the right time (in this case, Nicole’s running late was God’s perfect timing), Nicole would cross paths with Janey…

Janey had never been to church. Never had she even thought that answers to her teenage difficulties could be overcome by the power of Jesus Christ. Life was extremely tough now; she hated high school with a passion. Being beautiful and popular didn’t mean a thing. All she wanted was this yearning in her soul to stop! There was something missing. So, she lived life on the prowl for love, and she craved the real deal. Several relationships over the summer break had failed to fill the void deep within her heart. Nothing could satisfy. She often thought, “if I could just find the perfect man and get married, then I would be happy!” She had no idea that a relationship with Jesus Christ alone could bring true satisfaction. Everything was meaningless without Jesus, but she had never been introduced to Him.

To Janey, getting out of bed in the morning was the equivalent of stepping onto the most horrifying roller coaster ride ever! Her parents’ recent divorce left her playing parent to her younger brother. Janey loved her brother, but she desperately needed parenting for herself. She craved affection…even the slightest evidence that mom or dad cared would suffice, but every attempt was met with rejection. All she wanted was to be loved, but she didn’t know that God is love. So, she never turned to Him. She had never even so much as heard cliché yet true sayings such as “no Jesus, no love; know Jesus, know love”!

Janey was physically beautiful, absolutely gorgeous! However, inside she was a mess. Her needy demeanor coupled with her pretty face acted as a strong magnet, pulling in all the wrong kinds of guys! From one unhealthy relationship to another, Janey bounced. Eventually, she wound up with a guy who was kind and said he loved her. Compared to countless others she’d already given a chance, he seemed like a good guy. She gave herself to him sexually and for a moment thought her search for true love had ended. However, this new boyfriend had no idea that Janey intended to stay with him forever. Though Janey never verbalized it, he found out the hard way that she expected him to complete her, to make up for all the insecurities in her life. His initial attempts to encourage her, to boost her self-esteem didn’t work. It was clear that seeds of rejection had sprouted roots deep into her soul. Only God could fulfill her every longing from now until eternity, but no one had ever taught her about Him. Needless to say, her unspoken expectations were too high. The on again, off again relationship eventually fell apart completely. The pressure was too much. He bailed. Rejection took a stab at Janey once again.

Janey’s insecurities held her captive. She couldn’t get a grip after the break-up. She tried to talk to her parents, but they were too busy, too tangled in cords of anxiety and anger having to do with their own recent split. Nothing she could do would get their attention, much less trigger positive affirmation to spill from their lips. She had tried everything; nothing worked. She became so discouraged that she contemplated killing herself. She told her parents she would. Sadly, her cries for help were met with angry responses from all parties! “Go ahead and kill yourself then,” and “we’re too busy to deal with you,” her parents stated. She couldn’t believe her ears; the vicious words confirmed her worst fears! The feeling she had inside could be best described as hopeless.

She eventually put her big girl pants back on and gave love another try. She developed a relationship with a top student who was extremely nice. He was super good looking too but chose not to date too much due to his commitment to stay focused on a future medical career. He spent most of his time hitting the books. However, Janey’s beauty drew him to her. He had to know more about her. So, he asked her out a couple times. She agreed. With her heart set on impressing the attractive young man, she kept the reality of her situation at home stuffed deep down within her heart. Rather than dealing with the absence of her parents, she sought to make up for the hurt with his acceptance. He could tell she wanted things to progress faster than he preferred, but he didn’t know why. He had no idea he was an attempt at resuscitating her more than broken heart! He had not bargained for this kind of heart surgery, now or in the future! Though he couldn’t see it coming, his suggestion to take a break would be the catapult to a horrible nightmare of events! Since he had no clue, one night he casually, yet kindly explained to Janey that although he really cared for her, he’d have to cut things off. To Janey, his kind breakup was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Negative thoughts rose up as demons causing chaos inside her mind. Anxiety gripped her soul; she could not find peace. It was more than she could handle. Words could not describe the blackness that filled her; rejection had won! She walked to the bridge, knowing full well she planned to jump. The only imaginable way out of this place was suicide. She desperately wanted to just die. She had no idea that The True Prince of Peace had already given His life for her; that His death had made a way for her to escape the torment. Not one person had ever mentioned that she was already a part of the greatest, most satisfying love story ever! Halfway to her destination, her eye caught sight of a small church on a hill. “Hmmmm”, she thought, “maybe I’ll give living one last chance.” It was the only church she’d really ever noticed. Something pulled her to the front door. Surprisingly, as late as it was, the door was unlocked!

Nicole’s overly enthusiastic attitude caught Janey by surprise, but her smile slowly faded as Janey’s conversation quickly unfolded her suicidal intentions. Except that Nicole had been standing in that exact place at that exact time, Janey said she would have jumped to her death. The magical wrapping that seemed to encase Nicole’s seemingly fairy-tale life had been penetrated. She’d have to dig deep inside herself, asking God to intervene and give her words to say.

It dawned on her…the reason she had been kept one step behind all day. Nicole’s eyes were slowly being opened as to why she was where she was.

What could Nicole do? What could she say? Her on the surface attempts to talk spiritual derived answers which appeased Nicole. “I guess I believe in God,” Janey replied, when asked if she was a Christian, and, “yes,” she said when Nicole asked if she could pray with her. They prayed and chatted a little, and then Nicole ended the conversation with something like, “I am sure your parents love you. You are like any other teenage girl; ups and downs are inevitable. Oh, and about your boyfriend…there are plenty of fish in the sea. Hang in there, and don’t give up.” The ladies parted, and Nicole continued with her positive outlook on all situations, but couldn’t forget her conversation with Janey.

Over the next few days, Janey bubbled to the forefront of Nicole’s mind. So, she followed through with action. First, she called Janey’s parents. Mom was too busy to talk. Dad, however, had a moment to vent. He was clearly upset with Janey’s ploys for attention, going so far as to say that if she really desired to commit suicide, she could just go ahead and attempt it. Reality hit Nicole, and her heart sunk. It was so difficult to accept the sick truth that not all kids have loving parents. She pondered the verse, “God is love,” and was reminded that without God, we are all incapable of truly loving others.

Nicole allowed the phone conversations to push her into further action. She planned to help the best she knew how; she just couldn’t shake the mental picture of beautiful, popular Janey looking over that bridge! She decided to grab some fast food for she and Janey. Upon entering the school for a surprise lunch visit, Nicole was met with slight opposition. “No outside food allowed here”, stated the school secretary, and “how do you know Janey anyway?” Nicole’s sweet and concerned demeanor was convincing enough to earn her a minute with the school’s counselor who mentioned that she was already familiar with this particular student’s situation. She okayed Nicole’s having lunch with Janey, even allowing her to bring the fast food inside the cafeteria.

Nicole had not really prayed about this opportunity. She hadn’t yet realized that prayer in relation to a situation was like powder to a bullet. Without prayer, and lots of it, human attempts to help would not be strong enough to penetrate the spiritual realm. A huge war raged for Janey’s soul; Nicole had no idea the seriousness of her new friend’s situation. Without praying God’s hand into action, the enemies plan to steal, kill, and destroy would continue unfolding.

This time was different between the two. At lunch, Janey appeared to have everything together. She’d only taken her mask off that one time at the church, and she wasn’t going to do it again. After all, opening up at church hadn’t helped anyhow. She resisted when Nicole attempted to engage her in conversation about spiritual matters, and she totally wasn’t going to discuss her attempt at suicide. When Nicole mentioned it, she replied with a lie intended to appease Nicole. Janey explained that she wasn’t going to commit suicide, and that the bridge ordeal was a fluke ordeal…sort of a joke. She assured Nicole that there was nothing to worry about. She stated that she and her boyfriend had rekindled their romance, which seemed like an odd thing to mention in the moment Janey said it. However, Nicole did not know that Janey only thought life worth living if she had a good man in her life. She hadn’t realized either that Nicole based her self-worth on what others thought about her. Nicole left with a less concerned attitude, but kept thinking, “I really need to pray for Janey.” She did pray...now and again for a few weeks.

Eventually, her prayers for Janey turned to memories, then memories began to fade. After their first meeting, Nicole had every intention of putting Janey’s name and number on her weekly “Youth to Call” list. However, she had not followed through with this idea. The last optimistic conversation from Janey coupled with the absence of Janey’s name on the list, was enough to cause Nicole’s thoughts and prayers for the seemingly happy girl to dissipate.

A shocking reminder of the young girl hit hard when a few days after Nicole’s prayers stopped, reporters, friends, and family members announced Janey’s death. As quickly as she had come into Nicole’s life; she was gone. Nicole gathered bits of information from all she knew and concluded that her last day had gone something like the following: Soon after walking home to an empty house, loneliness overtook Janey. She made her way to her closet and hung herself. Minutes later, her younger brother walked in from school and discovered her body. She had loved him the best she’d known how. Rumor had it that a recent break up by her boyfriend was to blame; she had told a friend she didn’t think she could live without him.

Had Nicole been the only child of God strategically placed to intervene in the spiritual battle for Janey’s soul? Nicole was left with this and so many other questions. Surely, she thought, other believers had known Janey! Why had God allowed this to happen? Why? Why? Why? “Should have I done more,” she wondered. “If I had kept praying, would she have not died this way?” “Lord, what didn’t I say; what didn’t I do?” So many questions flooded her mind.

And as abruptly as Janey’s life ended, so does this article. We can choose to have an out of sight, out of mind attitude, but we won’t mask reality. There are so many Janey’s looking for true, amazingly satisfying love. To those of us who know Jesus, who really have a relationship with the one that can truly meet our needs, Nicole hopes this story will compel us to step out of our comfort zones and stop candy-coating our conversations with those who dare to take off their mask in our presence. When God opens a door into the soul of another who is being tormented by the enemy; we must not make it our goal not to speak words we think might make them feel better in the moment. We must speak the full truth with power and purpose, and share our Jesus. The spiritual investments we make into the lives of the next generation do eternally matter BIG time. Sometimes we have to get downright serious in this life and face tough stuff head on. It’s called fighting the good fight of faith, and by God’s grace we can turn eyes from the bridge of suicidal intentions to Jesus, who is the only bridge to an eternally abundant life! From bridge to bridge to bridge…keep pressing onward in Christ!

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

Ephesians 2:10

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Articles by Dani